You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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