I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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