it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
