Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
