last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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