If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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