I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
