im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
