Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
