i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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