On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
