i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
