well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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