I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
