Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
