yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
