Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
