my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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