Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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