They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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