We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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