Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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