Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
