the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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