You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
