we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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