He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
