cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
