my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
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