I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
