I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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