Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize