"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
