So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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