The maid of honor just puked.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
