you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
