this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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