My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
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