It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
