im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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