I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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