my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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