I'm gonna have a badass scar
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize