Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
