Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
