If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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