Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize