when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
