I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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