I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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