fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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