In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
