Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The best revenge is premature balding
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
