This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
