I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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