turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
