I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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