I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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